Check out this goddamn bozo. Her and her brother are serious malfunctions. They are probably what my kids would end up like if I had some.
And look at this chick trying to bite my fuckin style! Step troll! YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK!!!
I'm outta here!
Gorgeous. I'm so going to do a painting of these modern goddesses. Goddessi(?) Hmm. Whatever. It will be White Hot, which is my answer to Drew's new art genre "Dry Ice" (so hot its cold). It goes, Rococo, Dada, Surrealism, Post Modernism, Pop, Dry Ice/White Hot. God that is so flippin gay.
Today was THEE shittiest ever! Oh my god! I AM WEARING MOTHERFUCKING BROOKS BROTHERS!!!! Lucky for you guys I took relentless notes all through out the day so as to not forget any shitty, retarded detail of it. I was temping at a law firm in the Sears Tower. Must be rad to have an office on the 74th floor of the like tallest building in existence with NO WINDOWS. Pretty tight. Anyways, I get to this suck fest and there are 4 other temps I was to be working with. Thank god they were all boisterous extroverts because that is my fav kind of person, especially early in the morning. They were all THESPIANS! Thespians are my kryptonite! (Thespians + Cheetos + weed = Brittany Pisano Holocaust). They were all fucking improv people too but oddly, they were not funny. Oh but don't get me wrong, they were trying. I probably came across like the surliest bitch face ever. Good. They are bastards and trolls and they can go take a hike. Anyways, we spend about 4 hours doing nothing and liksten to about 5 different people tell us how they don't know whats going on and how they're really disorganized and how the whole project we're supposed to be working on is totally stupid anyway. That was rad. There wasn't a single thing I'd rather be doing. Finally they put us in the dingiest cave on the planet where we sit at computers that are blocked from the internet for another couple hours while we wait for like 10 different people print out some addresses that we need. Then it was time for lunch. This tool thats new to chicago didn't know where he was going so I walked him to Potbellys. It wouldve been awkward if I gave a fucking shit. I just put my sunglasses on and powerwalked my goddamn ass off so I could quickly ditch him and smoke a few thousand cigarettes. On my "lunch" I made a list of things to think about that would amuse me. There were only two things on the list: A troll in sunglasses and a chimpanzee firing a gloc. Whatever. Back at the office this lady with the same hairdo as Al Pacino wearing an unfortunate sheer, horizontal striped button up who tried to cover the lightning veins on her face with about ten gallons of unsuccessful foundation was talking our asses off about Micheal Jordan (he was a client of theirs--VERY big deal. Wtf the guy is a moron and also he is so 5 minutes ago for real. Not hating. Air Jordans are cool sneaks and the dude had a mean game. I'm not saying that. But the fool is about as sharp as sidewalk chalk. I'm just as good as him at what I do, it just happens to not be a physical sport. So what? I'm not going to poorly act in hot dog commercials or anything) and the whole time I kept fantasizing about killing myself. Not a cry for help--I'm too much of a procrastinator to kill myself. Plus I'm too curious to see whats going to happen next in this weird life. Then all the other temps got into a conversation about baseball stadiums for like 4 hours. One of the kids wrote something down and this chick goes, "You're left handed? Thats so cool!" I'm sorry, is the Sears Tower on another planet and I'm the only one to not know this? All the regs in the office were serious Beetlejuice. All women, all fat. One had a voice that sounded like she was a mouse in a Disney movie, one was limping all over the place like a serious quasimodo, and this other one would not shut the fuck up even for one sweet second, "I'm hungry"; "I'm tired"; "this computer is acting all funny", etc. The only reason I didn't karate kick my computer screen and annihilate all those norms with a fucking flame thrower was because I kept repeating "You have to pay your parking tickets" over and over in my head. So I inputted addresses into an Excel spreadsheet for like 5 hours straight. I never wanted a shot of whiskey so bad in my serious life. I told them that I will not be returning tomorrow. I DID get Bill Cosby's personal address and phone number though. I copied it down for myself shamelessly.
also
I'm at Pleasure Chest and I've already sold $2000 worth of shit. I'm going to tell you guys something: people LOVE putting shit up their butts! I swear.
Anyways, I forgot to mention in my last blog that at the place today I had to cold call some lawyers and verify they recieved a certain email. This one fuckface I called was all flustered and shit and was like, "You know, I really don't have time for this. Thats life in the big city." (of course I wrote that down immediately). Are you kidding me? People say shit like that and they are serious? THATS LIFE IN THE BIG CITY??? What does that MEAN? He said it like such a priss too.
There is a couple shopping right now and they are driving me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. They are young yuppies but like LL Bean yuppies. Not even full-blown Patagonia. LL Bean. Its like the girl one is on ecstacy and its like the guy is lobotomized. I've seen her kiss, probe, hug, squeeze, cradle, and maul this guy a thousand times in the 10 hours they've been up in this bitch and he has just stood there like a lamp post. So they finally bought their item and it turns out they are not only lovers but TWINS. And potentially mormons cos both those hos had some Donny Osmond ass teeth. Listen to how I'm talking. I read Dlisted too much! I'm talking like a serious homo. Whatever. this is just how I am; its how I'm comfortable. I got my education, shoot. I just want a little baby to love me, and I can love it, and dress it up in baby Tommy, CK, Pelle Pelle, little tiny fuckin Timbos n shit...
oh god why not
These BUTTHOLES are shopping like they are at a bazaar in gay Paree on a lazy sunday, not like they should be ie getting the heck out of here so I can smoke a freakin cigarette and take out the trash like any red-blooded american naturally would want to. Backpacks that stickout like 500 feet behind the person are SO heinous. what are you, ten? Did you shove a toy aircraft carrier and all yr legos in there for a goddamn sleepover??? I'm sorry. I'm so aggro today. You all know why though. Anyhoo. Oh god and he's wearing an Aeropastle shirt! Don't even GET ME STARTED on that brand! Death. That, Kathy Ireland, Daisy Fuentes, Croft and Barrow, Arizona Jean Company, Gap, St. Johns Bay. All just get in my motherfucking way at the thrift store.
1. Name one important person who made you smile today.
Coco. He was telling me about how his new landlord is excited he isn't vegan so they can have some barbeques. The landlord sounds HILARIOUS.
2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
About to punch the dude sitting next to me on the train in the face. I swear he tried to cop a feel.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Ringing up a thing for a dude to put up his butt
4. What is something that happened to you in 1994?
manic panic
5. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Have a nice night!" (Customers)
6. How many different things did you drink today?
coffee 3 times, diet rootbeer
7. What color is your hairbrush?
Wood
8. What was the last thing you bought?
diet rootbeer
9. What was the last gift you received?
Um, I got Husbands on dvd for my birthday, and a digital camera
11. Where do you keep your money?
I never have it long enough to keep it anywhere
12. What was the weather like today?
Sunny kinda cold
13. What is the best ice cream flavor?
I don't know
14. What are you excited about?
getting off work in a half hour, going to sleep, making a sweet mix tape tomorrow and going to Barneys to shop for a gift
15. What's your middle name?
Motorhead
no joke major props for the ability to wear these shitstompers. i was trying to practice wearing some (low) heels in my apartment and was in serious pain. How do people wear these things?? Is it cos I live in city and walk a lot and these dudes drive/get driven everywhere?
This photo: WOW. This sitch is my new obsession.
This is what i'm talking about in terms of young people refusing to evolve the look of punk. This is tom cruise and kidman's adopted daughter. I looked way better than this when I was 14 and i had no money and no hot topic. I couldve only dreamt of finding a ramones shirt in a size other than XXL. I will be her spiritual advisor--pro bono! Call me girl.
Watched a show last night called "Flip this House" or something where some douche who has a Hummer was gutting one of those shit squalor houses, you know, its not like horders, its like the kind with a billion cats pooing and peeing everywhere and crap EVERYWHERE like barbie heads mashed into the carpet and cinderblocks in the kitchen sink and all that. I'm obsessed with that stuff. Thats why I love COPS so much. I don't understand my taste at all. Meghan and I just watched Boondock Saints, it was good, I love movies like that, tons of gunfire and fights. I love heavy metal, and I am RIVETED by anything that exposes drug addicts or people living in filth, shit like that. I totally miss the glory days of daytime TV when Donahue and Geraldo would have like transgender teen paint huffers and KKK people and all that shit on there. I don't understand why I am intrigued by any of this shit. But oh my god, this house was sooooo sick. Cockroaches sprayed the walls with their poop. There were rats everywhere and the exterminator caught one in a trap and put his workboot up next to it to show the scale, and he goes, "This is a size 12 shoe" and the rat was BIGGER than the dude's foot. The pool had like 200 dead frogs floating in black water and they were about the size of a paris hilton dog. The carpet was so encrusted with piss and shit that they were tapping on it with a stick and it sounded like concrete. What is up with people that live like that?
nouveau
Today on my way to work I was walking behind a guy who was wearing a shirt that said "You don't have to have a good time to drink". YESTERDAY I was behind a guy with a backpack that had "fuck police" written on it in sharpie and then crossed out. I was pissed i didn't have my camera ready. Luckily last night Bernie showed me how to take the flash off, so now I can really rock the mic with some secret snapshots of all the hilarious creatures I come into contact with everyday.
Tonight is RTX at empty bottle. Of course I have to work til 11 and then rush over there because heaven forbid I should be able to request one goddamn night off so I can see the woman of my dreams (jennifer herrema). Yes, I've already bitched about this relentlessly, but I'm still pissed. It really upsets me that everyone I work with gets whatever they want off and I want to go see a lousy band on a goddamn monday night and I can't.
I took notes on Sons of Hollywood last weekend because there were so many amazing things worthy of comment, but I forgot it at home. I remember one thing was when they get to the house they are staying at Randy Spelling is like "Dude they have a Mac! Garage Band guys, Garage Band!" Wtf. They picked him up from the Spelling compound which is like the size of 5 shopping malls. The freak is excited about having access to a Mac? WHat the hell. They also picked up sean stewart from, shocking, his dads house. 1st, why do these tools live at home still? They are like the same age as me. I know they will never work, but wouldn't you want yr own place? You wouldn't have to pay for it. But anyway, they showed a little bit of the interior of Rod Stewarts house. Holy shit. Thats what it is to be legitimately rich. It is so amazing. I fucking despise nouveau riche. LIke when they have some busted asses like antonio sabato jr on cribs and homeboy is bragging about some retarded showerhead that hangs from the ceiling, its like, uh...I'm either into total aristocrasy or shithouse. Not homeless bum shithouse, but like trash style metal heads demo derby, etc. The middle class is a waste of time. And nouveau riche is just a more embarrassing version of the middle class.
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